help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
