Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
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I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
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So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize