Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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