Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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