new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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