The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
