Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
there was a trapeze. enough said
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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