i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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