He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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