i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
