Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
