never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
