In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
