I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
