Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
