dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
