I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
