What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
