i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
