I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
