Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize