She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
