and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
