I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
