Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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