The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
