Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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