I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
