hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
