I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
