i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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