All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If I die, sorry about rent.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
