no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
