He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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