So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
