you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
