Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
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How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
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I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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