do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here