just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
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I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
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If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".