she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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