I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
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He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
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Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.