I think im going to throw up on grandma
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
