You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I looked at my own cervix.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
