Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
