I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
