How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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