When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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