I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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