I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
