What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
