New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
