She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My life is pants optional.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
