You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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