Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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