Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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