Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
