I puked a lego.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Randomize
