So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
