I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
