Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
