Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
