I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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