i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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