His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
